“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” - Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 1. This clear endorsement of the heterosexual lifestyle is a shocking summary of the flagrant pro-heterosexual agenda of the pop novel Pride and Prejudice. Who is this Jane Austin, and what is her purpose in writing this book? There are rumors that the author, never married, was a heterosexual, and actually believed it was acceptable for her to date men. Her sexuality never realized, she turned to writing to live out her strange fantasies.
Though Mrs. Bennet's concern for her daughters secure the family fortune is noble, the implication is clearly that she believes they should form romantic attachments with men to do so. Later in the book, a clergyman actually proposes to Elizabeth Bennet, the heroine! A man of God, suggesting a sexual connection to a woman? Outrageous.
These disturbing heteroerotic undertones continue throughout the book. Male and female characters refer to having "regard" for each other. What unspeakable heterosexual euphemism is this? I shudder to think of what terrible sexual exploits underwritten by this word.
Austin plays with our morality when Elizabeth (rightly) rejects Mr. Darcy's sexually disturbing advances halfway through the book. We think she is proclaiming the unnatural practice of different-sex relations, only to turn around and have Elizabeth fall for his hidden charms, which before she was happy to leave to his male friends.
Strangely, much of the family's tension does revolve around a different-sex relationship, that of Lydia and the shameless Mr. Wickam. That their horror at this attachment does not extend to the other daughters of the Bennet family leads you to wonder what a morally sick atmosphere the early 1800s had.
It reminds us to pray more for the healing of our land from the cancer of heterosexuality. It has pervaded our media, our neighborhoods, even our churches. How can we raise a pure generation if heterosexual people pass themselves off as normal?
Books like Pride and Prejudice only advance this mentality. I recommend leaving this title for the perverts that enjoy the kind of immorality it advances, the unnatural bonds between a man and a woman.
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Friday, March 17, 2017
Monday, August 12, 2013
Doctor Who's Hammer
Feeling the urge to mock Doctor Who , that great British Science Fiction Fantasy Sitcom. Despite its uncommon popularity, much about the show remains a mystery to its watching public.
The Doctor (as he is always called; the show is too modern to use surnames) is an alien who is exactly like humans in every way except he can reincarnate without having to come back as a bug. "Time Lords" are lords of time that suck at controlling it, since they all died out except for the Doctor, which leaves a lot of questions about the intelligence of the race.
Every Doctor Who plot arch ever: The doctor acts like a 12-year-old and destroys the lives of all his companions. For someone as old as he is, he gets shown up by a lot of girls in their early 20s. Girls whose lives he shatters in revenge.
But the main problem with Doctor Who isn't the corny monsters, suspensions of logic, or hyperactive exposition. It's the gap between the show's quality and its fans' fanatical devotion. Firefly, anyone?
The Doctor (as he is always called; the show is too modern to use surnames) is an alien who is exactly like humans in every way except he can reincarnate without having to come back as a bug. "Time Lords" are lords of time that suck at controlling it, since they all died out except for the Doctor, which leaves a lot of questions about the intelligence of the race.
Any species which thought these hair styles a good idea couldn't have been on the right side of natural selection
The main villains in Doctor Who are cyborg woodchucks who threaten to eat the TARDIS, the Doctor's flying phone booth time machine. "Phone booths" were strange little buildings where people cloistered themselves to use cellphones that where tied to the ground. They were in fact used for this purpose before ever being drafted into service as time machines for wandering humanoid aliens.
The Doctor's primary weapon of defense is a screwdriver modified to do everything with no explanations or limitations. Little known to most fans, however, is that the Doctor originally wielded devices such as a Radical Wrench, a Japanese Jigsaw, a Dampened Drainplug, and a Wholesome Hammer.
The Doctor's primary weapon of defense is a screwdriver modified to do everything with no explanations or limitations. Little known to most fans, however, is that the Doctor originally wielded devices such as a Radical Wrench, a Japanese Jigsaw, a Dampened Drainplug, and a Wholesome Hammer.
"Pass me the Japanese Jigsaw, Miss Anna Beth Tyler-Moore-Smith! The universe depends upon it."
- Early Doctor Who Quote
Every Doctor Who plot arch ever: The doctor acts like a 12-year-old and destroys the lives of all his companions. For someone as old as he is, he gets shown up by a lot of girls in their early 20s. Girls whose lives he shatters in revenge.
The Doctor isn't finished with his friends until he can leave them in convulsing grief or death
But the main problem with Doctor Who isn't the corny monsters, suspensions of logic, or hyperactive exposition. It's the gap between the show's quality and its fans' fanatical devotion. Firefly, anyone?
Friday, May 3, 2013
Star World of Warcraft Wars
My knowledge of Star Wars and World of Warcraft collided when I accidentally said to myself, "These aren't the reagents you're looking for." And here are the other phrases that mistake inspired:
Aren't you a little short for a Death Knight?
That's no moonkin.
I suggest a new strategy, R2. Let the worgen win.
I find your lack of mana disturbing.
Use your cooldowns, Luke.
Help me [name of player]. You're my only hope
Aggro or do not aggro. There is no try.
No, I am your guild leader.
L: I'll not leave you here. I've got to res you.
A: The healer already has, Luke.
It's a frost trap!
#StarWoW
Friday, July 27, 2012
Is Braveheart the Best Film in the History of Film?
You know you've asked yourself this piercing question: Is Braveheart the best movie ever?
Fewer pastimes are so truly American as wallowing in Mel Gibson's ego. Last Friday, I had a chance to do just that with his classic film, Braveheart. It concerns Sir William Wallace and his fight against the English. As perfect as that sounds, Gibson allowed some shortcomings he could have avoided if he had let me screen his movie back in 1995. I was 5 years old at the time and would have been perfect to understand the full impact of Gibson's narrative.
Firstly, Braveheart would have been a more successful film if it had captions telling you what emotions to feel. You know it's true:
These types of subtitles would have enhanced (almost subliminally) the viewer's experience, leaving no one in doubt of the quality of this noble 90s epic.
As pumped as I was to hear how many “Squish” sound effects existed in the 1990s, it was hard to concentrate on the battle sounds when there were so many girly Englishmen traipsing around. Though every student of history knows that all Scotsmen have virile, deep voices, and all Englishmen are effeminate with high voices, it was not Gibson's best choice to cast the film so accurately. It detracts from the battle scenes.
And speaking of battle scenes: WHY CANT FIGHT SCENES B LONGER THEY R 2 SHORT. I felt so gypped. I mean, I'm sure that almost half the movie was something other than fighting. Mostly talking about fighting while staring at the English army. Really, Wallace? Really? Get your butt into battle. We don't want to hear you talk about Freedom and Kilts and Stuff. (I have to admit the kilts were cool, since we all know that Scotsmen wore kilts in the 13th century.)
Wallace, despite this flaw of not fighting enough, is truly awesome. The inclusion of a lead with no discernible character was a truly brilliant move on Gibson's part. It shows how even the most boring people can become heroes if all their peers blindly follow them for no apparent reason.
There are so many morals with modern impact in this film. Aside from the one enumerated, it wasn't until I watched Braveheart that I discovered that the current set of swear words was the norm during the late medieval era. I also didn't know that battle during this era looked like a confused Civil War reenactment from 1995.
One last gripe: Gibson got so close to eliminating all his female characters...but he didn't. Why? He got Wallace's wife killed off within half an hour, then he had to go and have a fling with the future Queen of England. What in the world?
Wallace should have forsworn womanhood so we didn't have to watch him interact with a person who he saw as an equal. Unbecoming.
As for the queen, Wallace should have shipped her to Norway or she should have just knitted in the background of every scene in the English court. She could have gotten so much more knitting done if she hadn't messed with Wallace, which is truly a loss.
The bottom line with the ladies of the film is that it was damaging to have people with some sort of personality in the movie.
I'm afraid I left before the end, as my bedtime prohibited a contiguous viewing. That doesn't mean that I cannot affirm that Braveheart is the best film in the history of films that have men in kilts mooning the camera.
It's a winner.
Fewer pastimes are so truly American as wallowing in Mel Gibson's ego. Last Friday, I had a chance to do just that with his classic film, Braveheart. It concerns Sir William Wallace and his fight against the English. As perfect as that sounds, Gibson allowed some shortcomings he could have avoided if he had let me screen his movie back in 1995. I was 5 years old at the time and would have been perfect to understand the full impact of Gibson's narrative.
It doesn't get more 90s than this
Firstly, Braveheart would have been a more successful film if it had captions telling you what emotions to feel. You know it's true:
“Wallace’s wife is being senselessly slaughtered. Feel sad for Wallace.”
“War is brutal. You should feel a combination of thrill and horror. Observe the blood spurt from that man’s severed leg.”
“These peasants are mad at the government. They would rather die than live in bondage.”
“Look how grimy the heroes’ countenances appear. Warriors do not have time to bathe.”
“We totally could have managed a husband/wife relationship throughout a three hour film if we had wanted to.”
These types of subtitles would have enhanced (almost subliminally) the viewer's experience, leaving no one in doubt of the quality of this noble 90s epic.
As pumped as I was to hear how many “Squish” sound effects existed in the 1990s, it was hard to concentrate on the battle sounds when there were so many girly Englishmen traipsing around. Though every student of history knows that all Scotsmen have virile, deep voices, and all Englishmen are effeminate with high voices, it was not Gibson's best choice to cast the film so accurately. It detracts from the battle scenes.
And speaking of battle scenes: WHY CANT FIGHT SCENES B LONGER THEY R 2 SHORT. I felt so gypped. I mean, I'm sure that almost half the movie was something other than fighting. Mostly talking about fighting while staring at the English army. Really, Wallace? Really? Get your butt into battle. We don't want to hear you talk about Freedom and Kilts and Stuff. (I have to admit the kilts were cool, since we all know that Scotsmen wore kilts in the 13th century.)
Anyone with a name like Lord Mungo Murray would have to wear a kilt
Wallace, despite this flaw of not fighting enough, is truly awesome. The inclusion of a lead with no discernible character was a truly brilliant move on Gibson's part. It shows how even the most boring people can become heroes if all their peers blindly follow them for no apparent reason.
There are so many morals with modern impact in this film. Aside from the one enumerated, it wasn't until I watched Braveheart that I discovered that the current set of swear words was the norm during the late medieval era. I also didn't know that battle during this era looked like a confused Civil War reenactment from 1995.
One last gripe: Gibson got so close to eliminating all his female characters...but he didn't. Why? He got Wallace's wife killed off within half an hour, then he had to go and have a fling with the future Queen of England. What in the world?
Wallace should have forsworn womanhood so we didn't have to watch him interact with a person who he saw as an equal. Unbecoming.
As for the queen, Wallace should have shipped her to Norway or she should have just knitted in the background of every scene in the English court. She could have gotten so much more knitting done if she hadn't messed with Wallace, which is truly a loss.
The bottom line with the ladies of the film is that it was damaging to have people with some sort of personality in the movie.
I'm afraid I left before the end, as my bedtime prohibited a contiguous viewing. That doesn't mean that I cannot affirm that Braveheart is the best film in the history of films that have men in kilts mooning the camera.
It's a winner.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
LlamaCare: The Fight for Equality
According to the AP (All-Powerful ones), SCOTUS (the Supreme Counts of The United States) have decided to overturn the President's landmark legislature LlamaCare, despite cautioning voices from dissenting Counts and famous actors.
Justice Wholly Toledo has viciously decried LlamaCare, citing statistics. This strikes me as a basic misunderstanding of the role of a Supreme Count. They are supposed to figure out what all the big words in the Constitution mean, not cite statistics. That's what pundits and sports announcers do.
Worse however is the discrimination against Llamas inherent in this controversial decision. Some say that LlamaCare makes people pay for healthcare they don't use, but how is that even an issue? Why is money such a big deal when the government can just print more of it and give it to us?
As always, it's the silly ReTublicans causing the stir in this debate. They want llamas to pay for their own health care, arguing that healthcare is a privilege not a right. (What about my right to privileges, huh?) Thankfully, DemoBrats bravely assert that llamas are incapable of getting off their proverbial llama couches and getting a job good enough to provide health insurance. Only DemoBrats are willing to pay the money necessary to keep llamas from feeling like they've been discriminated against.
And that's what's at stake, isn't it? No one cares about letting people get good doctors, it only matters that politicians can say with a clear conscience that he has done his bit to get every llama has been insured. And nothing is worth so much as giving a politician a legitimate talking point.
Show your support of LlamaCare by using the hashtag #savethellamas on Twitter and Pinterest. We will not be silenced until more people get free stuff.
Worse however is the discrimination against Llamas inherent in this controversial decision. Some say that LlamaCare makes people pay for healthcare they don't use, but how is that even an issue? Why is money such a big deal when the government can just print more of it and give it to us?
How could you deny a face like that?
As always, it's the silly ReTublicans causing the stir in this debate. They want llamas to pay for their own health care, arguing that healthcare is a privilege not a right. (What about my right to privileges, huh?) Thankfully, DemoBrats bravely assert that llamas are incapable of getting off their proverbial llama couches and getting a job good enough to provide health insurance. Only DemoBrats are willing to pay the money necessary to keep llamas from feeling like they've been discriminated against.
And that's what's at stake, isn't it? No one cares about letting people get good doctors, it only matters that politicians can say with a clear conscience that he has done his bit to get every llama has been insured. And nothing is worth so much as giving a politician a legitimate talking point.
Show your support of LlamaCare by using the hashtag #savethellamas on Twitter and Pinterest. We will not be silenced until more people get free stuff.
Monday, March 12, 2012
I Puritani Synopsis
It's that time again, folks. Your occasional opera synopsis. Today, I puritani by Count Carlo Pepoli and the great Italian composer, Vincenzo Bellini. That this was Bellini's last opera had to do less with the opera and more with his dying, in case you were wondering.
The Puritans
Some soldiers listen to the principles sing a prayer. Riccardo is moping because his intended, Elvira, doesn't seem to be digging the relationship. Once he pops off, Elvira herself enters with her uncle, who she insists must call her his daughter. He tells her how he persuaded her father to let her marry for love, which makes her chipper, for now she can marry Arturo, the dashing royalist.
Arturo gets word of this and serenades her. Soon, however, he discovers that the fugitive ex-queen of England is tooling about the castle. He insists on escorting her to France once they can escape unnoticed.
Elvira reenters and declares she is pumped for her wedding. She also deposits her veil on the ex-queen's head to see how it looks, but forgets to remove it. Everyone admires her innocence. 
It's not every day you get the Queen of England to model for you
Arturo is stopped by Riccardo, who is still peeved he's taken his girl. Stopping him from trafficking political fugitives is a great excuse to get revenge, he reasons, but Arturo works his charm on him. He is allowed to leave with the queen, provided it happens now, sans wedding.
Arturo inexplicably charms everyone
Elvira frolics onto the stage. Arturo's absence makes her go nuts. A whole new act is devoted to Elvira still going nuts.
In the third act, however, something happens. Arturo is done chaperoning royalty, and declares he is giddy at being safe in England once again. Elvira stumbles onto the stage, and after twenty minutes of ecstatic reunion, the two of them kiss and make up.
But Arturo is not as innocent of the law as he suspected, and he is sentenced to death for his royalist tendencies. But, lest there be need for a third (fourth?) mad scene, a universal pardon arrives. This is in time to save Elvira’s sanity, but not Arturo’s, as he has already by this time sung multiple notes above C5. Elvira, once again pumped for her wedding, out-sings everybody like any sane woman might.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Lucia di Lammermoor Summary
It's that time again, in which the writer publishes a brilliant distillation of one of your favorite operas. Today's victim, Donizetti's Lucia di Lammermoor.
Normanno: Yeah, your sister's dating him.
Enrico: Neewww.
Lucia: I saw a freaky apparition, but Edgardo is awesome.
Edgardo: I am awesome. But I have run some errands for the king of France, so...
Lucia: You'll sigh your love to the wind?
Alisa: (I'm out of here.)
Edgardo: You can bet your marbles on it.
Enrico: Marry Arturo.
Lucia: But he's all short and second-tenorish.
Enrico: But he's rich—I mean he's *sich* a great guy. And look at this letter showing Edgardo's gone off with some other chick.
Lucia: Guisto ceil!
Enrico: Anywho, marry Arturo or else.
Raimondo: It's probably a good plan. Probably.
Lucia: Fine.
Chorus: We're a happy chorus.
Arturo: I'm pretty happy too.
Chorus: But our collective happiness is better.
Lucia: I'm signing this contract, even though I'd rather die. Just saying.
Edgardo: I'm back from France!—oh stink.
Lucia/Alisa/Edgardo/Arturo/Enrico/Raimondo: (Emotions.)
Edgardo: Traitor.
Lucia: It's not my fault! (Faints.)
Enrico: Okay.
Chorus: We're still collectively pleased with the proceedings of this opera, you'll note.
Raimondo: Cease your merriment. Lucia went mad!
Chorus: Dear me.
Raimondo: She also stabbed her husband and—but look, here she comes.
Chorus: O giusto ceilo!
Lucia: Edgardo is awesome, and we're getting married. Woah, phantom. You know how awesome Edgardo is? This awesome. Snap, I'm going to die. Please leave me flowers.
Edgardo: Where's Lucia?
Raimondo: Heaven, alas. If only she hadn't listened to me.
Edgardo: Neewww! I will join her. (Stabs himself.) See you in heaven, Lucia!
Men's Chorus: What an idiot!
Act 1
Enrico: Edgardo is a jerk. I hate him. A lot.Normanno: Yeah, your sister's dating him.
Enrico: Neewww.
Lucia: I saw a freaky apparition, but Edgardo is awesome.
Edgardo: I am awesome. But I have run some errands for the king of France, so...
Lucia: You'll sigh your love to the wind?
Alisa: (I'm out of here.)
Edgardo: You can bet your marbles on it.
Lucia sees a freaky apparition
Enrico: Marry Arturo.
Lucia: But he's all short and second-tenorish.
Enrico: But he's rich—I mean he's *sich* a great guy. And look at this letter showing Edgardo's gone off with some other chick.
Lucia: Guisto ceil!
Enrico: Anywho, marry Arturo or else.
Raimondo: It's probably a good plan. Probably.
Lucia: Fine.
Chorus: We're a happy chorus.
Arturo: I'm pretty happy too.
Chorus: But our collective happiness is better.
Lucia: I'm signing this contract, even though I'd rather die. Just saying.
Edgardo: I'm back from France!—oh stink.
Lucia/Alisa/Edgardo/Arturo/Enrico/Raimondo: (Emotions.)
Edgardo: Traitor.
Lucia: It's not my fault! (Faints.)
Scotsmen are much more emotional when they sing in Italian
Act 2
Edgardo: Duel me.Enrico: Okay.
Chorus: We're still collectively pleased with the proceedings of this opera, you'll note.
Raimondo: Cease your merriment. Lucia went mad!
Chorus: Dear me.
Raimondo: She also stabbed her husband and—but look, here she comes.
Chorus: O giusto ceilo!
Lucia: Edgardo is awesome, and we're getting married. Woah, phantom. You know how awesome Edgardo is? This awesome. Snap, I'm going to die. Please leave me flowers.
Lucia goes mad for a while
Edgardo: Where's Lucia?
Raimondo: Heaven, alas. If only she hadn't listened to me.
Edgardo: Neewww! I will join her. (Stabs himself.) See you in heaven, Lucia!
Men's Chorus: What an idiot!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Norma Synopsis
It's Opera Synopsis Sunday, wherein the clever writer distills a great opera down into its core essence:
Norma
Music by Vincenzo Bellini
Libretto by Felice Romani
The Chorus of Druids complains about the government. Pollione, the head Roman, later enters and complains about his love life. The priestess Norma enters after he leaves; she says a prayer and complains about her love life. The Chorus is still not happy about the government. Once they're gone, Adalgisa enters, says a prayer, and complains about her love life. Pollione enters and convinces her to run away with him.
The Chorus of Druids complains about the government. Pollione, the head Roman, later enters and complains about his love life. The priestess Norma enters after he leaves; she says a prayer and complains about her love life. The Chorus is still not happy about the government. Once they're gone, Adalgisa enters, says a prayer, and complains about her love life. Pollione enters and convinces her to run away with him.
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Norma says a prayer to get the chorus to shut up about politics
Norma freaks out. Adalgisa enters wondering if she can break her promise of chastity. Norma knows it's possible to do without permission, so she figures she may as well grant Adalgisa freedom. Pollione enters. Norma freaks out. Adalgisa, once she figures out they're both in love with the same guy, also freaks out. They all get overwrought. When the chorus is heard offstage complaining about the government, Pollione runs away.
Norma freaks out, almost killing her kids. Adalgisa enters and tries to be nice. It works.
Norma and Adalgisa, BFFs
The Chorus is still griping about the government. Norma finds out that Pollione is trying to abduct Adalgisa. She freaks out and calls for war. The Chorus merrily obliges. Pollione is captured, and Norma confesses her guilt so they can die together. Pollione decides Norma was actually pretty cool after all.
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